I woke up lonley. Looking around my empty room, I had to think aloud, "what day is it?" It felt like a Thursday, but I couldnt tell for sure. I walked to my refrigirator and opened the door to nothing but wine. Thats okay, I thought, i'd rather be drunk than starving. As I stood back up with the wine, I read the yellow sticky note on the freezer door, next to pictures of love once lost.
"Figure out what made the baby boomers become disillusioned with their lives"
I stared it down.
It was the summer of some year, I couldnt care less. I rolled a cigarette, and thought about my peers. The youth of today. All the prolific writers. All the suburban slime, bitching about the faux problems that they bring on and continue in their dogmatic way of living. The war. Unemployment. Their self-brought on jaded state. I couldnt help but think they became jaded because their parents have discovered the death of the American Dream. As I lit my cigarette, the loose tobacco burned off and fell to the ground.
I walked outside for the first time in days, to find out that it was extremely sunny outside. I drank from the wine bottle and looked around. Kids were playing. Overambitious assholes were sitting in the grass reading Kerouac. People in nice cars drove by. I walked over to Mikes apartment. Enter the actor.
Mike reminded me a lot of myself. We drank the wine and he opened another.
"I heard about a great get together going on tonight across town. We should go."














Comments
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The "stuck in the root" metaphor is cool (in part 2)
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...but it's one of my pet peeves in any kind of writing that "points it out" that it's a metaphor. Stylistically I'm not sure it even fits with what your writing (not the metaphor - that fits - the point it out part)
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The cadence of some of the sentences is interesting
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That's one mighty large sticky note
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It still seems/sounds like this is a first draft... or maybe a 2nd.. by the time you get to writing the 3rd part, and maybe rewriting it a bit... maybe it'll sound more cohesive and gel.
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NYC/Brooklyn musical deviant
i may have to edit the sticky note, but im not sure what youre referencing.
and i did post the first draft, and im sure i will revise and edit it soon, whenever i get the time.
thanks for the feedback though
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HUNGER ARTIST- SUMMER 2005
Yeah, the character development... Depending on your intent with the piece (is it for yourself? or for a wider audience?), the intro may have to include some of that.. or at least find a way to keep the reader hooked until the development starts happening.
You might want to check out this really great book called "Ray" by Barry Hannah. I can't recall a single thing that happens to the character in that book (other than him getting shot at and having lots of sex), but his use of language keeps you hooked until the story happens. Any of Mark Leyner's books will do the same ("Et Tu Babe?" being a personal favorite). If you've got the time, check them out. They're interesting reads regardless.
Keep it up.
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NYC/Brooklyn musical deviant
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